This past weekend a friend of mine
got engaged. Even though we haven’t been close in
years, I was still happy for her. And instead of just liking the picture of her
new engagement ring on Instagram, I decided to leave a little congratulatory
note for the both of them.
got engaged. Even though we haven’t been close in
years, I was still happy for her. And instead of just liking the picture of her
new engagement ring on Instagram, I decided to leave a little congratulatory
note for the both of them.
Alex and Barbara |
After I left my comment, I was scrolling to see what other people
said. I was shocked by a couple of the reactions. Mostly there were the
congratulations that I expected but there were also some comments that gave me
pause. I don’t think these women meant to be petty, and in some cases incredibly
selfish, but that’s how their comments read to me.
said. I was shocked by a couple of the reactions. Mostly there were the
congratulations that I expected but there were also some comments that gave me
pause. I don’t think these women meant to be petty, and in some cases incredibly
selfish, but that’s how their comments read to me.
So, to help women like them
out, here’s a list of things you shouldn’t do, say or type when your friend
gets engaged.
out, here’s a list of things you shouldn’t do, say or type when your friend
gets engaged.
1. Critique the ring:
My friend’s engagement ring is not
like your standard ring. It’s different and judging by the caption she included
with the picture, exactly what she asked for. It didn’t include a diamond and
it wasn’t platinum. And instead of people applauding the fact that her man
listened to her and got it right, one of the very first comments under the
picture was, “Nice ring but I’m still waiting on my diamond though.” Umm… two
things. 1.) Don’t talk about the engagement ring that her dude went and got for
her at her request. If it’s good for her, then it should be none of your
concern. And 2.) Don’t make this about you! A lot of us are still waiting on
rings but this is supposed to be about celebrating your friend’s engagement not
talking about your hypothetical one. Chill and let her have her moment.
like your standard ring. It’s different and judging by the caption she included
with the picture, exactly what she asked for. It didn’t include a diamond and
it wasn’t platinum. And instead of people applauding the fact that her man
listened to her and got it right, one of the very first comments under the
picture was, “Nice ring but I’m still waiting on my diamond though.” Umm… two
things. 1.) Don’t talk about the engagement ring that her dude went and got for
her at her request. If it’s good for her, then it should be none of your
concern. And 2.) Don’t make this about you! A lot of us are still waiting on
rings but this is supposed to be about celebrating your friend’s engagement not
talking about your hypothetical one. Chill and let her have her moment.
2. Question the timing of the engagement:
Comments like “Really, so soon?” or
“Finally!” aren’t appropriate for this time. If she said yes, then the timing
worked for her. You’re not the one who’s committing your life to anyone.
“Finally!” aren’t appropriate for this time. If she said yes, then the timing
worked for her. You’re not the one who’s committing your life to anyone.
3. Try to talk her out of marrying him
If
you’re her sister, mother or very best friend– and I do mean very best
friend– and you feel like this really isn’t the right move, then ask her if
she’s sure one time. If she says yes then tap into your inner Lupita
Nyong’o and act like you’re happy for her.
you’re her sister, mother or very best friend– and I do mean very best
friend– and you feel like this really isn’t the right move, then ask her if
she’s sure one time. If she says yes then tap into your inner Lupita
Nyong’o and act like you’re happy for her.
If it is a mistake, let it be hers
to make. Planning a wedding and embarking on a new life with someone are not
easy transitions, she’ll need a support system. And at the end of the day,
whether you think it’s a mistake or not, is not the point. Your friend/family
member is an adult (hopefully) with the free will to make her own decisions. As
much as it might hurt to watch, you have to let her make them. If you are not
one of the above mentioned characters in her life story, then you really
shouldn’t speak on it at all.
to make. Planning a wedding and embarking on a new life with someone are not
easy transitions, she’ll need a support system. And at the end of the day,
whether you think it’s a mistake or not, is not the point. Your friend/family
member is an adult (hopefully) with the free will to make her own decisions. As
much as it might hurt to watch, you have to let her make them. If you are not
one of the above mentioned characters in her life story, then you really
shouldn’t speak on it at all.
4. Compare your journey to hers:
So far, most of these pointers have
been in relation to the engaged woman. But this one is all about you, boo. When
people we’ve grown up with start getting married and having babies etc, it can
be easy for us to compare our journeys with theirs. You start thinking things
like “Maybe I should be engaged now too.” “I’m not even dating
anyone.” “I’m so far behind.” After all we went through school
together, hit puberty around the same time and graduated on the same day, we
should be reaching life’s milestones together too right? Wrong. Teddy Roosevelt
told y’all, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Everyone’s path is
different and you’re not competing with anyone but yourself. Don’t try to live
anyone else’s life, I guarantee you won’t like it. Sure, you can take some time
and see what’s going on with folks, even celebrate with them. You should. But
be sure to get back to your own lane and do you
been in relation to the engaged woman. But this one is all about you, boo. When
people we’ve grown up with start getting married and having babies etc, it can
be easy for us to compare our journeys with theirs. You start thinking things
like “Maybe I should be engaged now too.” “I’m not even dating
anyone.” “I’m so far behind.” After all we went through school
together, hit puberty around the same time and graduated on the same day, we
should be reaching life’s milestones together too right? Wrong. Teddy Roosevelt
told y’all, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Everyone’s path is
different and you’re not competing with anyone but yourself. Don’t try to live
anyone else’s life, I guarantee you won’t like it. Sure, you can take some time
and see what’s going on with folks, even celebrate with them. You should. But
be sure to get back to your own lane and do you
5. Agree to be a bridesmaid when you can’t afford it/don’t want to:
Unless you feel morally obligated to
take on the role of bridesmaid, I suggest you don’t do it if you know your
money is funny or you just don’t want to be in the wedding. If you sign on for
this responsibility and your heart or your pockets aren’t fully in it, you’ll
be the bridesmaid who complains about every penny spent and every activity
planned. And that’s not who you want to be. Not only will it hurt your friend’s
feelings if she finds out, the women you’re complaining to will know not to
invite you to be a part of their day. This is the time to be happy for your
girl and if being in the wedding is going to take away from some of that
happiness, then you should be honest with her and just chill with the general
audience.
take on the role of bridesmaid, I suggest you don’t do it if you know your
money is funny or you just don’t want to be in the wedding. If you sign on for
this responsibility and your heart or your pockets aren’t fully in it, you’ll
be the bridesmaid who complains about every penny spent and every activity
planned. And that’s not who you want to be. Not only will it hurt your friend’s
feelings if she finds out, the women you’re complaining to will know not to
invite you to be a part of their day. This is the time to be happy for your
girl and if being in the wedding is going to take away from some of that
happiness, then you should be honest with her and just chill with the general
audience.
6. Give Unsolicited wedding planning advice
I know for some of you this is going to be a hard one. But unless your
friend explicitly uses the words, “What do you think…” then assume she doesn’t
want your input. With all the bridal magazines, Pinterest boards and other
pieces of advice she’ll be getting from family (read: her mother), you throwing
in your two cents into the pot might be an overload. Plus she might not like
your taste. Wait until she comes to you.
friend explicitly uses the words, “What do you think…” then assume she doesn’t
want your input. With all the bridal magazines, Pinterest boards and other
pieces of advice she’ll be getting from family (read: her mother), you throwing
in your two cents into the pot might be an overload. Plus she might not like
your taste. Wait until she comes to you.
7. Ask if she is pregnant:
Even if she is…just don’t ask this
question. It’s rude.
question. It’s rude.
P.S Congrats to ace wedding photographer Alex Obe – Atilary studio – on his engagement! He got engaged to his soul mate, Barbara Irianan, over the weekend…
“I
said yes!!!!!!!! To my superman!!! I’m getting married to my
mooooooooooooooonnnnnnn I love you Alex enokela Ogbe and I’ll say yes
over and over and over and over !!! I
know I won’t be forgetting 14/03/2014 anytime soon because it was my
mummy’s birthday! Long story short bestestestest day, house warming, car
warming, ring warming? Lol. God has been amazing I can’t imagine why
he’s blessing me so much but hey words fail me at this point. I’m
getting married yallllllll. I’m going to suck with all that wedding
planning stuff though! Yikes! Ps; I don’t even remember being on the
floor. Never seen Alex so nervous in my life bless him. Thank you all my
darlings that came to celebrate with us in our new house.” Barbara says!
said yes!!!!!!!! To my superman!!! I’m getting married to my
mooooooooooooooonnnnnnn I love you Alex enokela Ogbe and I’ll say yes
over and over and over and over !!! I
know I won’t be forgetting 14/03/2014 anytime soon because it was my
mummy’s birthday! Long story short bestestestest day, house warming, car
warming, ring warming? Lol. God has been amazing I can’t imagine why
he’s blessing me so much but hey words fail me at this point. I’m
getting married yallllllll. I’m going to suck with all that wedding
planning stuff though! Yikes! Ps; I don’t even remember being on the
floor. Never seen Alex so nervous in my life bless him. Thank you all my
darlings that came to celebrate with us in our new house.” Barbara says!