overcame the challenges etc…some claim abstinence in a relationship is not only archaic but down-right Impossible,
however, if you have followed the series, then you know that that thought is
down-right IMpossible lol.. Yes, people are doing it; Waiting and Loving It!!
been married for 10years and above – they will
share with us a little of their journey thus far and useful tips (from
personal experience) to sustaining a marriage, keeping the fire alive,
managing conflict and more.
Hello Mr and Mrs Nelson, It’s a
great pleasure and privilege having you as our first couple on the
Married and Loving It ‘Hot Seat’. Thank you very much for taking time
out to respond to us. Could you please start by telling us how long
you’ve been married?
faithfulness when I think that my Mighty Good Man (MGM) and I have been
married for twenty-one (21)years now. Come, 01 May 2015, we will hit 22
years! I promise, it is purely a God thing!
We both went to the University of Uyo. So while we have actually been
married for 21 years, we have been together since 1985! That makes it 29
years! Even I am amazed! *smiling*,
of May 1993 was that it did not rain! It was a serious prayer point for
me because the reception was to be outdoors. It was a lovely sunny day
and I just thank God for that. I loved how my MGM tried to out-dance me
on the way in. Our first dance too was special to me because we danced
to my favourite song at the time. It was Boys II Men’s ‘End of the Road’ – I
know, not the best in terms of song title considering we were just
starting our lives together. But you know what? Now, as I look back, I
see it as a prophetic song over our lives. In the past 21 years, we have
faced some real ‘end of the road’ situations BUT God always always
stepped in and just like the song says we never ‘let go’. Our marriage
is still standing strong and our love has grown deeper.
beautiful. (Ladies and gents, pay attention to your wedding song, it
just might be prophetic :-)). Now, we often hear that the first 3 years
of marriage are not the easiest, is that true? How was it for you?The Nelsons: The first 3 years? If I had to use one word, it would be ‘Bewildered’. We spent the first 7 years actually trying to figure out ‘who on earth we had married’.
You would think that having known each other since University would
make it easier. This was not the case. So there was a lot of
‘discovering’ to do and we did not do it very well, I am afraid. This is
why I tell young couples to use the dating period well. It is not a
time to pretend at all. Be yourself 100% so that whatever you are
showing is the REAL you. If you cannot cook, don’t pretend. If you are
not a beach person, don’t pretend to like the beach. If your idea of a
night out is sitting at home reading a book, be open about that but show
you are willing to do other stuff because you care about the interests
of the one you love.
guest-couple to list according to the number of years they have been
married, Things Marriage has Taught Them.. Here goes..
(Can we just say before you read that we are no marriage guru. We
are just a couple sharing our own take on life based on our experiences
in life to date. It is good to learn from your own mistakes but it is
wise to learn from the mistakes of others *smiling*. It will be a
blessing if just one person takes away something from here that will
help their marriages now or in the future). – The Nelsons1. In Marriage, Love is not a feeling. It is a choice. And
sometimes you don’t feel like making that choice BUT you do in obedience
to the God you made your vows to.
2. When you are dating, you can get away with the idea that you
love someone because ‘they are fine/kind/gentle or they do XYZ’ but the
moment you decide to marry the person, your love must become
UNCONDITIONAL. If you intend for your marriage to last, you must decide
to love ‘just because’ for I can tell you for free that the day will
come when your spouse will not look so fine or be so kind! Will your
love just die then?
3. There is no such thing as a readymade soul mate. That title
is earned. Over time. For instance, my MGM is my soul mate. I know that
NOW because of all that we have gone through and today I can put my hand
to my heart and say I never want to be with anyone else.
4. Trust is the bedrock of your marriage. DO NOT do anything that will break it.
5. Honestly, the only 3rd party you need in your marriage
affairs is Jesus Christ. I respect all the elders and counsellors out
there but at the end of the day, it will take you, your spouse and God
to keep your home.
6. Be an OPEN BOOK to your spouse. Nothing is too little to
share. There is nothing like the ‘Power of Clean hands’. Even if you
are woken up from sleep, you can answer any questions without thinking
because your hands and heart are clean.
7. Communication is key. Study your spouse and find out what
works. How best to enjoy your time together and get the gist flowing.
8. Remember that one size does not fit all so DO NOT compare
your marriage to anyone else’s. NEVER compare your spouse to anyone. It
hurts and does not help.
9. Sex is SUPER important. I believe that where love rules,
both parties will come to understand how to make this work for the
relationship.
10. Be committed to making your spouse feel fulfilled and sometimes
this means making up your mind to do what it takes to achieve that IN
SPITE of how you feel. This means loving selflessly. Hard but doable
with God’s Spirit. NEVER let your spouse feel ‘deprived’.
11. If you don’t remember anything else we have said, remember this
– Whenever you are upset with each other? THAT is the best time to be
intimate! God created sex as the one sure way of sealing the bond
between husband and wife. The devil knows this too and that is why the
first thing a couple do when they are fighting is to stay away from each
other. Don’t do it. Frustrate the devil. Sex is praise, worship and a
weapon of warfare!
12. Husband, never have a female ‘friend’ you are closer to than
your wife. Wife, never have a male friend that is your confidante. It is
a recipe for disaster. Period!
13. Do not do business with anyone you cannot introduce to your
spouse. As much as you can control is, let all your business
acquaintances be known to your spouse. If you are reluctant to introduce
them, ask yourself why. Something is wrong.
14. After God, your spouse must be your number one priority.
Wives, when you become mommies watch out for this. We don’t even realise
this happens but don’t let baby take over your life. Daddy is still
there and still needs you! *smiling*
15. You just have to learn to forgive. Forgetting will come with
time but just let go of past hurts. Make up your mind to not let the
past steal your future.
16. Dates nights are a MUST. Carve out a day even if it is just
once a month for just the two of you to ‘be’. No gadgets. No other
people. Just chill.
17. Fight but fight ‘clean’. Fights will come. They are inevitable
but fighting clean means sticking to the issues at hand. Not dragging up
the past. Fighting clean means no name calling or sarcasm.
18. Send love notes. So we are all on various gadgets now, right?
So from time to time, send a nice message to your spouse to let him/her
know you were thinking of them. It helps. Be playful…like you were when
you were dating. Honour your spouse. Show you care. I love sincere PDAs
(holding hands, opening the door for your wife, etc). You are telling
the world “See my spouse! I am pleased to be with him/her!”.
19. Please don’t fight in front of the children. We never plan to
but it happens. Please commit to not let it happen anymore. Our kids are
so sensitive PLUS there are learning from us. Let’s be good models.
20. Mutual Respect is so important. Never speak disrespectfully to
each other. Never talk negatively about your spouse to anyone either.
Just not good!
21. I personally do not believe any marriage can last without God
being at its centre. Pray together as well as alone. Make Him the Source
of your love for each other. Always try to emulate Christ in how you
love your spouse. If you do, yours will be a Marriage as God intended.