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I Regret Losing My Virginity On My Wedding Night

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“Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God,
myself, my family, my friends, my future mate and my future children to be sexually
abstinent from this day until the day I enter a
biblical marriage relationship. As well as abstaining from sexual
thoughts, sexual touching, pornography, and actions that are known to lead to
sexual arousal.”

At the age of 10, I took a pledge at my church alongside a group of other
girls to remain a virgin until marriage. Yes, you read that right — I was 10
years old.
Let’s take a look at who I was as a 10-year-old: I was in fourth grade. I
played with Barbie dolls and had tea parties with imaginary friends. I
pretended I was a mermaid every time I took a bath. I still thought boys were
icky and I had no idea I liked girls, too. I wouldn’t get my period for another
four years. And most importantly, I didn’t have a clue about sex.
The church taught me that sex was for married people. Extramarital
sex was sinful and dirty and I would go to Hell if I did it. I learned that as
a girl, I had a responsibility to my future husband to remain pure for him. It
was entirely possible that my future husband wouldn’t remain pure for me,
because he didn’t have that same responsibility, according to the Bible. And of
course, because I was a Christian, I would forgive him for his past
transgressions and fully give myself to him, body and soul.

Once I got married, it would be my duty to fulfill my husband’s sexual
needs. I was told over and over again, so many times I lost count, that if I
remained pure, my marriage would be blessed by God and if I didn’t that it
would fall apart and end in tragic divorce.

I believed it. Why wouldn’t I? I was young and these were people I
trusted. Everyone knew I’d taken the virginity vow, of course. Gossip is
the lifeblood of the Baptist Church. My parents were so proud of me for
making such a spiritual decision. The church congregation applauded my
righteousness.
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For more than a decade, I wore my virginity like a badge of honor.
My church encouraged me to do so, saying my testimony would inspire
other young girls to follow suit. If the topic ever came up in
conversation, I was happy to let people know that I had taken a pledge
of purity.
It became my entire identity by the time I hit my teen years. When I
met my then boyfriend-now husband, I told him right away that I was
saving myself for marriage and he was fine with that because it was my
body, my choice and he loved me.
We were together for six years before we got married. Any time we
did anything remotely sexual, guilt overwhelmed me. I wondered where the
line was because I was terrified to cross it. Was he allowed to touch
my breasts? Could we look at each other naked? I didn’t know what was
considered sexual enough to condemn my future marriage and send me
straight to Hell. 
An unhealthy mixture of pride, fear, and guilt helped me keep my
pledge until we got married. In the weeks before our wedding, I often
got congratulated on keeping my virginity for so long. The comments
ranged from curious (how in the world did you manage?) to downright
disgusting (I bet you’re going to have one busy wedding night!). I let
them place me on the pedestal as their virginal, perfect-Christian-girl
mascot. 
I lost my virginity on my wedding night, with my husband, just as I
had promised that day when I was 10 years old. I stood in the hotel
bathroom beforehand, wearing my white lingerie, thinking, “I made it.
I’m a good Christian.” There was no chorus of angels, no shining light
from Heaven. It was just me and my husband in a dark room, fumbling with
a condom and a bottle of lube for the first time. 
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Sex hurt. I knew it would. Everyone told me it would be
uncomfortable the first time. What they didn’t tell me is that I would
be back in the bathroom afterward, crying quietly for reasons I didn’t
yet comprehend. They didn’t tell me that I’d be on my honeymoon, crying
again, because sex felt dirty and wrong and sinful even though I was
married and it was supposed to be okay now.
When we got home, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. Everyone knew
my virginity was gone. My parents, my church, my friends, my co-workers.
They all knew I was soiled and tarnished. I wasn’t special anymore. My
virginity had become such an essential part of my personality that I
didn’t know who I was without it. 
It didn’t get better. I avoided undressing in front of my husband. I
tried not to kiss him too often or too amorously so I wouldn’t lead him
on. I dreaded bedtime. Maybe he’d want to have sex.
When he did, I obliged. I wanted nothing more than to make him
happy because I loved him so much and because I’d been taught it was my
duty to fulfill his needs. But I hated sex. Sometimes I cried myself to
sleep because I wanted to like it, because it wasn’t fair. I had done
everything right. I took the pledge and stayed true to it. Where was the
blessed marriage I was promised? 
I let it go on this way for almost two years before I broke down. I
just couldn’t do it anymore. I told my husband everything. My feminist
husband was horrified that I’d let him touch me when I didn’t want him
to. He made me promise I’d never do anything I didn’t want to do ever
again. We stopped having sex. He encouraged me to see a therapist and I
did. It was the first step on a long journey to healing. 
Ten-year-old girls want to believe in fairy tales. Take this pledge
and God will love you so much and be so proud of you, they told me. If
you wait to have sex until marriage, God will bring you a wonderful
Christian husband and you’ll get married and live happily ever after,
they said. Waiting didn’t give me a happily ever after. Instead, it
controlled my identity for over a decade, landed me in therapy, and left
me a stranger in my own skin. I was so completely ashamed of my body
and my sexuality that it made having sex a demoralizing experience.
I don’t go to church anymore, nor am I religious. As I started to
heal, I realized that I couldn’t figure out how to be both religious and
sexual at the same time. I chose sex. Every single day is a battle to
remember that my body belongs to me and not to the church of my
childhood. I have to constantly remind myself that a pledge I took when I
was only 10 doesn’t define who I am today. When I have sex with my
husband, I make sure it’s because I have a sexual need and not because I
feel I’m required to fulfill his desires. 
I’m now thoroughly convinced that the entire concept of virginity
is used to control female sexuality. If I could go back, I would not
wait. I would have sex with my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I wouldn’t
go to hell for it. We would have gotten married at a more appropriate
age and I would have kept my sexuality to myself.
Unfortunately, I can’t go back but I can give you this message as a
culmination of my experiences: If you want to wait to have sex until
marriage make sure it’s because you want to. It’s your body; it belongs
to you, not your church. Your sexuality is nobody’s business but yours.
 By XoJane, For YourTango
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Kemisola Adeyemi

Kemisola Adeyemi is the Assistant Editor of KemiFilaniBlog. She loves to write and write and write and hopes to own a publishing firm someday!Email: [email protected]

32 Comments

    1. What is inspring about this misleading and dumb article please? I dont even know why kemi is posting such. She has always stood for waiting till one's wedding night and now she is contradicting herself by posting this. A good believer waits.

    2. I agree with anon 12:43..this is very misleading. Your body is the temple of God not 'your' body.

      1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

      6:19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

      6:20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.

      It is wrong to fornicate before marriage and this applies to both MALE and female. The church the poster attended should have made this clear. They also should have stated how overly merciful God is. It's true sinners wouldn't inherit the kingdom of heaven (1 Corinthians 6:9) but I feel by saying they would go to hell scared the poster to keeping her virginity rather than giving her an understanding on the spiritual importance of keeping ones virginity. She felt she was better than others by restraining from sexual immorality but the church should have also said that sin is sin and whether stealing, lying or sexual immorality, it's the same in Gods eye.
      PLEASE KEEP YOUR VIRGINITY BOTH MALES AND FEMALES, IF ITS LOST ALREADY, GOD DOESNT LOVE YOU ANY LESS. ASK FOR HIS FORGIVENESS AND GUIDANCE AND TRY TO LEAVE A HOLY LIFE IN GENERAL. HE IS SOOO FORGIVING AND SUPER SUPER SUPERRRR AWESOME!

    3. The moral lesson of d story is that if you want to stay a virgin till your wedding night, make sure it is your personal decision and not that some religious fanatics abandoned u.

  1. After reading this story, i will tell you that once you regretted keeping your virginity, you were not a true virgin before your God! You kept it to honor yourself, church and parents but not to honor your God so you need more grief than you went through!

    1. Gbam! That's why personal conviction is very important. God values chastity beyond virginity, holiness beyond religious acts. For those who no dey do follow follow, waiting for marital sex is worthwhile.

  2. iyke u are just a bitter bastard,sorry to have used dat word but it fits u best,no one deserve to go tru dat kind of trauma, virgin or no

  3. This story scares me ooo, don't knw if i shld still keep mine or loose it, plus i'll be 26 in ten days and guys don't consider relationship serious if there's no sex involved

  4. I am 24yrs in a relationship with smone we've agreed to get married in 2yrs.
    He doesn't want to sleep with me, and he said since I'm a V
    I shud wait till we marry.
    I'm keepin myself cuz he doesn't want to do it, if he did I wudda done it.

  5. Mind u,am 33yrs,not in any r/ship and a virgin! Well,I leave evrytin in2 God's hands! I no God wil remeba me in all ways b4 dis year runs out IJN

  6. I am a Christian, have been for years, and recently got married (At 23). I lost my virginity at 18 and not with my now husband. When I met him in our Uni's Christian Union, I changed a lot about myself. I became everything I hate about Christianity and we both said we would wait until marriage (he believed this his entire life). We lasted 6 months and I praise God every day that we didn't wait. What we had then is still as beautiful as it is now. It brought us together and closer as a couple and a lot closer to God. We have friends who waited and really regret it and hate sex – they still think they are better than us though for waiting. I don't care what anybody says and thinks about my comment – I know I am OK with God and you cannot tell me otherwise. I am proud of your honesty – well done for speaking out!

  7. I didn't wait but i regret it because my husband treats me with such respect and honour because he met me a Virgin,at 23,he introduced me to sex and loved it,17 years after we enjoy each other,so sometimes i wonder how he would have treated me if i had waited.

  8. I lost my virginity at age fifteen to my ist boyfriend then in sss one. It was painful. I felt dirty and stayed away from him for weeks. I was too ashamed to look him in the eye and eventually we broke up. Shame comes with every sex that is not done between a mature couple who are getting married or are already married. If u r happy in your relationship, you will enjoy it no matter what.

  9. Sex is a good thing. God created sex. God DESIGNED sex, for both men and women. The tragic thing here is this woman has come to the conclusion that she would have been better off not saving herself for marriage. Thats not the issue. The issue is she married someone she obviously didn't feel open with. She didn't feel she could express her true feelings and tell him how she felt about this issue. There was obviously a communication issue here. And its tragic to me that the article seems to be suggesting that she would have been better off sleeping around a bunch before marriage. But if that was true, you'd think relationships among non-reilgious people would be WAY better than Church goers. Except, they aren't. Divorce rates are sky high, and people are constantly breaking each others hearts.

  10. I have being in relationship with a guy for almost 5 years now and my virginity is still intact and its not cos I am religious its just personal convictn;but I will still say there is a big difference btw d marital life of those that wait and those that don't;I'm waiting and I am enjoying everybit of it.I av somfin to look forward to on ma honeymoon

  11. Lol madam wat are you looking forward to' 'Sex' on d first , you think its so fantastic on d first day lmao, wait and see lol

  12. You kept your vaginity as an idol not as a honour to God…i got married a virgin after27yrs with a 5years courtship,and am proud to say that it was the best decision i ever made…am still an inspiration to many young girls,and after 6 years of marriage, am humble to say its be growing better and better by his grace……your article is a reverse testimony…

  13. You idolised your viginity and not God,i married a virgin at 27yrs after a 5yrs courtship,i am still an inspiration to many young girls,it was the best decision of my life…and after 6yrs am still glad at the choice i made…your article is reverse testimony..

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