see what past colleagues and old friends have been up to – who got
married? Divorced? Had a baby? Came out of the closet? (I’ll tell you
about that some day) and so on…
I came across a recent update from an ‘ex’ and he was cuddled up with
his wife and new son. The wave of bad belle that came over me was
incredible! The short-lived bad belle wasn’t because I missed him and
wanted him back, truth be told I had forgotten about him till that
picture came up. It was because a few years ago, I would have given an
arm and a leg to be that woman in the picture with him, as in I loved
this guy DIE!
university; he had just moved from Houston and didn’t know a lot of
people in London, and after a few random conversations about course
work, he asked me out. Our first date was amazing, and after about a
month of seeing each other a few times a week, I was almost certain he
was ‘the one’.
After dancing around the issue for a week or two, I was finally brave
enough to bring up the ‘where are we’ issue. His exact words were ‘I
really like you Tolu, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now’.
I had to take a moment to mentally pick up the fragments of my broken
heart, then I smiled at him and said ‘No worries, it’s ok’
licked my wounds and tried to regain my pride. Towards the end of the
2nd week I had miraculously convinced myself that he was only saying he
didn’t want a relationship because he didn’t know how much of a
fantastic woman I was. So I became his ‘standby friend’ – I was going to
be on standby till he realized he actually wanted a relationship – with
opportunity, listen to all his ideas with undivided attention, fret over
him if he sneezed, and I would even go to his house to cook for him…he
definitely had my mumu-button.
For almost a year I waited and played my standby role very well. I told
myself plenty of lies, ‘He really does care about me, he wouldn’t be
hanging out with me if he didn’t’; ‘He’s dealing with a few personal
issues, so I just need to be patient and he’ll wake up one day and
realize I’m the one’. Yes, I was subconsciously defrauding myself.
internship, and I missed him badly. My mobile phone bill was ridiculous
because I would call him regularly for a ‘friendly chat’, he would call
me too, but I was definitely doing more of the calling. I soon realized
that he wasn’t missing me the way I missed him, so I let things chill
for a bit. When he returned to London, I was over the moon!
decided to have a little get-together. I also thought that this would be
a fantastic opportunity for him to see what he was missing. The plan
was to get super-dolled up and flaunt my fabulousity in front of him,
and of course he would call me the next day and say ‘Tolu I missed you,
I’ve been such a fool not to realize how incredible you are – please be
mine’ (Yimu right?).
I opened the door, and he looked at me and said ‘You look amazing’. I
was positively beaming as he hugged me. As I ushered him into the living
room, he stopped and said ‘I hope you don’t mind, I brought
my…..girlfriend, she’s just getting something from the car’.
If he had slapped me I wouldn’t have been more surprised!
finally stopped lying to myself, I had to admit that I had been quite
daft. The cold hard truth was that he SIMPLY didn’t want a relationship
with me. He liked me, but not enough. He was just ‘not that into me’.
me on, but I convinced myself that patiently waiting in ‘standby mode’
would bring him closer to the ‘truth’ that he couldn’t see clearly.
advice ever while I was going through this; she said ‘If someone REALLY
wants to be with you, they will do EVERYTHING in their power to be with
you. None of this – ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’, ‘I need to focus
on my career right now’, blah blah blah. Think about it, if
you met someone that you felt was right for you, wouldn’t you do your
absolute best to make it work? If you are getting different excuses,
then chances are that they don’t think you are the one. A tough pill to
swallow, but so very true.
from this – one of the worst things you can do in life is lie to
yourself, and potentially rob yourself of what you truly deserve.
Whether it be a relationship, a job, whatever situation it is, do your
best to be honest with yourself. If a situation isn’t giving you what
you need, don’t fool yourself – have enough self-respect to say ‘I’m not
getting what I want from this situation… and I honestly won’t be able
happened to, so do you remember that person that got you so good, that
you ended up lying to yourself?